MAN: Yo, not gonna lie,
- This sound,,, - (COMPUTER CHIMES)
,,,gets me hard as a fucking rock,
But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat,
I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy,
So I'll start off with some stills,
Then, once I'm getting into it,
I start looking for a video,
I never actually touch my cock till I find the right clip,
Then, once I do,,,
,,,goodbye,
For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away,
and the only thing in the world is those tits,,,
,,,that ass,,,
,,,the blowjob, the cowboy,
the doggy, the moneyshot, and that's it, I don't gotta say anything,
I don't gotta do anything, I just fucking lose myself,
There's only a few things I really care about in life,
My body,,,
,,,my pad,,,
,,,my ride,,,
,,,my family,,,
Amen.
,,,my church,,,
- ,,,my boys,,, - (All YELLING)
,,,my girls,,,
(WOMEN MOANING)
,,,and my porn,
I know that last one sounds weird, but I'm just being honest,
Nothing else does it for me the same way, Not even realpussy,
And, yo, I get plenty of that,
Why you think my boys call me The Don?
- Jonny-Boy! - Don Jon, what's good, baby?
- What up? - You good?
- I'm aII right. - Jonny, Iook at me.
- Everything good with you? - What's the matter with this guy?
- Come here, you animaI! - Get the fuck off of me!
ReaI taIk, reaI taIk. PurpIe.
- That's not bad. - It's better than ''not bad.''
- You ain't see her turn around. - You caIIing her a seven?
- An eight. At Ieast an eight. - That is not an eight.
She's cute in the face, you can maybe caII the face an eight, tits are a four.
Yeah, but the butt, man, it's exceptionaI. I'm teIIing you. It changes everything.
- Shit! - What?
- Sequins. Don't Iook. Don't Iook. - What? Who is that?
- You don't remember her? - She's coming over here.
'Cause you're staring right at her.
(HIP-HOP PLAYS)
- WOMAN: look who the fuck it is. - How you doing?
- Why didn't you caII me back? - Come on. You're a grown woman.
Did you think I was gonna caII you back?
You're pathetic, you know that? Every week you got a new bitch.
Then why'd you come home with me?
Fuck you!
- Eight. - No, that might be a nine.
- You shitting me? That's a seven. - You're out of your fucking mind!
I gave you the eight, your record's intact. ChiII out.
You heard what she said? Everyone knows about the streak.
- You're sick. You know that? - I don't know what's wrong with me.
- Oh, my... damn! - What? What? Where?
- Red. - HoIy shit! That's a dime.
- That is a dime. - Nah, she's hot, but it's not a dime.
I don't even mess with bIondes Iike that, but that there is a dime!
- Fuck yeah. - I don't know, there might be
- some Iasagna up in there. - I don't think so.
DefiniteIy not. She keep her shit tight, you can teII.
- No. I don't know. - See, he Iikes that skinny shit.
He Iikes that skinny, high-fashion, Iooks-Iike-a-boy shit.
- Fuck you! - Admit it!
- He's kind of right, man, you do. - I don't Iike more than a handfuI of titty.
No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handfuI, I Iove it, but more than that, it's Iike no!
Shit starts to remind me of my mom or something.
- Jesus Christ. - Your mom do got some big-ass titties.
- Don't taIk about my mother. - You brought up your mother.
If you don't Iike that, there's something wrong with you.
I didn't say I didn't Iike it. I said it's not a dime.
- That's incorrect. - She's taIIer than you anyway.
- Fuck you, Jonny. - I'm pIaying, come on.
You gonna get that?
WOMAN: let me get a vodka-cranberry.
- Jonny! - Sammy-boy, how you doing?
- You good? - let me get a Grey Goose and soda.
(HIP-HOP PLAYS)
- What makes you think you couId do that? - Do what?
- Get the fuck out of here. - You wanna go somewhere?
- Fuck you. - You wanna fuck me?
- Is that why you kissed me? - I didn't kiss you.
Yeah, you did.
- Stop it, I mean it. Stop it. - (LAUGHS)
Come on. let me buy you a drink. It's earIy.
- Where you going? - I toId you where I was going.
Come on! Wait a minute!
Shit!
(HIP-HOP PLAYS)
Yo. Headband.
Nah, I don't know.
(HIP-HOP PLAYS)
(WOMAN MOANING)
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
JON: See? This is what I'm saying,
Realpussy's all good, But I'm sorry,
It's not as good as porn,
Tits?
Great,
Ass?
Great,
blowjob?
Sure, it's fucking fantastic in person,,, if she'll do it,
But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head,
lower. Not that Iow!
JON: I know, some guys love eating pussy,
but the thing about those guys is,
they're fucking crazy,
Don't get me wrong, I like a good pussy-eating clip,
But, from down here, there's nothing good about this,
(MOANING)
JON: And if she does finally decide to do you the big favor,,,
,,,she's in a fucking hurry,
Now, when it comes to the actual fucking,,,
First of all, condoms are terrible, They just are,
But you gotta wear one, 'cause,
- unlike porn, realpussy can killyou, - (WOMAN MOANS)
Second of all, missionary is the worst position in all of fucking,
The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass,
you can't touch her ass, 'cause she's lying on her back,
They won't let you do it from behind, 'cause they wanna look at you,
And basically it's on me to do all the work,
Moneyshot? No, There is no real-life moneyshot,
Real girls won't do that shit, You just gotta cum into the fucking condom,
(MOANING, PANTING)
JON: So, you tell me, which looks better?
This?
- Or this? - (WOMAN MOANING)
(ENGINE REWING)
Jesus! What are you fucking retarded?! You're fucking retarded!
You're a retarded person and you're driving a fucking car!
(CHURCH BELL CHIMING)
(ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY)
JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen,
- PRIeST: Amen, Bless you, my son, - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,
It has been one week since my last confession,
- PRIEST: TeII me your sins. - Since Iast Sunday, I had sexuaI reIations
out of wedIock two times. I aIso watched
pornographic videos and masturbated 1 7 times.
For these and aII the sins of my Iife, I am sorry.
- Ten lord's Prayers and ten HaiI Marys. - Thank you, Father.
PRIeST: Through the ministry of the Church,
may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absoIve you from your sins in the name of the Father,
the Son and the HoIy Spirit.
Amen.
BuIIshit! BuIIshit! Did you see that? That was fucking buIIshit. Bad caII.
- Jesus fucking Christ! - Jon!
- Fucking buIIshit. Did you see that? - Nah, I didn't see it. What happened?
They'II do a repIay. They better do a fucking repIay.
UnIess they just don't want us to see how bad that fucking caII was.
Why don't you get the thing where you can pause...
- AsshoIes, where's the repIay?! - Dad, there's a thing you can pause
- and rewind. - What are you taIking about?
It's digitaI. You just rewind and watch it.
- I'm not taping this. - No, I know you're not taping it.
Are you peopIe serious, no fucking repIay?!
I'm not taIking about a VCR.
How do I know what the fuck you're taIking about?
I don't know, I guess 'cause most American peopIe have heard of TiVo.
Most peopIe that pay attention to the worId around them!
Here it is. Shut up aIready, finaIIy. Shit!
- You seriousIy never heard of that? - Yes! I've heard of it, Jesus fucking...
There! look, his foot's on the Iine! look at that buIIshit!
- WOMAN: Jon! AII right aIready! - So if you've heard of it,
- what is it? - Did you see that?
- I'm asking you a question. - It's a fucking thing...
Wait a minute. Did you see that? I'm asking you.
- Did you? - Nah, I didn't see it.
Why not?! What the fuck's the matter with you?
I said Iook at this pIay, I said it right to you!
I ask you to do the easiest fucking thing, and you can't do it!
- At Ieast I know what a fucking TiVo is. - I know what a fucking TiVo is!
You want a TiVo? Is that what you're saying?
- I wouId Iove a fucking TiVo. - Who do you Iove?
He Ioves TiVo. He sure as shit don't Iove footbaII. We know that.
(SIGHS)
One of these days, I'm gonna sit down here and start eating, and you're gonna say,
- ''Mom, I found her.'' - JON: Ma!
MOTHER: One of these days.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) HoIy Mary... Mother of God...
...pray for us now...
...and at the hour of death...
Amen.
HaiI Mary... fuII of grace...
- (COMPUTER CHIMES) - JON: All right, I'll admit,
there are some down sides,
like there's the times you find a great clip, with a hot chick,
And right when you're starting to cum, it shows the guy,
(GRUNTING)
Fuck! Goddamn it!
JON: It's no one's fault, really, but it still sucks, So,,,
- (COMPUTER CHIMES) - Also, nowadays you got so much
to choose from, finding just the right clip can take a lot of time,
And my time is precious to me,
Yeah, I got shit to do, So,,,
- (COMPUTER CHIMES) - And, every once in a while,
you find a clip that's so good, it's fucking depressing,
And you're thinking to yourself, why can't realpussy be like this?
You know, I smash new girls all the fucking time,
always an eight or better, and it's still never this good, What am I doing wrong?
(SPEAKING FOREIGN lANGUAGE)
JON: Maybe it's time to try something new, So,,,
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yo, you remember that dime from Iast week?
Oh, shit.
The bIonde in the dress? She was insane, bro. You hit that?
No, I didn't, you fucking aIcohoIic, I saw you after she Ieft.
- Fuck you, Jonny! - I thought you made that happen.
- I threw it to this other random. - TypicaI.
- ProbabIy an eight or nine. - Six or seven.
Shut the fuck up! Who'd you take home, huh?
Twos and threes, baby. I'm teIIing you,
twos and threes are some open-minded Iadies.
- I wanna find that girI. - You get her name?
- Her name? - First and Iast name.
I'm Iooking for her name, first and Iast name.
Shit, I don't know. You know who wouId?
- Barbara Sugarman. - Sugarman?
Thanks, bro.
- OK, what was it again? - Barbara Sugarman.
- You see her anywhere? - No.
- Oh, shit! - That's her?
- That's definiteIy her. - Oh! Got you, bitch!
What you wanna say? You gotta say something.
- ReaIIy? - A girI that bad gets mad friend requests.
- Fuck! - I think it's dinner. Maybe even Iunch.
Might have to take this girI out for coffee.
- Christ! - Yeah, this is the Iong game.
You're not getting that butt from Barbara Sugarman anytime in the immediate future.
If you had it Iike that, it wouId have went down.
You're right. You're totaIIy right. Shit!
I know, I was about to say, the mighty Don bringing out the Iong game?
- She's a dime, but... - This girI's more than a dime.
Come on, son. There's no such thing,
that's the point, it's a scaIe from one to ten.
- I'm saying, this girI... - Oh, my God!
- You in Iove with this girI aIready? - Go fuck yourseIf.
- Hi. - Can I heIp you?
- Yeah, two for Iunch. - Sure. Right this way.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)
Hey.
- How are you? - Good. Good. How you been?
- How did you get my Facebook? - Oh. Getting right to it.
- Yeah. - I just Iooked up your name.
- I didn't teII you my name. - ObviousIy you did, 'cause I Iooked it up.
- No, I definiteIy did not teII you my name. - Yeah, you did.
- I think I wouId remember. - No offense, but you were pretty wasted
- the other night. So was I. - Can I get you some drinks?
- Diet Coke, pIease. - A Coke.
Coke and a Diet Coke. I'II be right back to take your order.
I had a few drinks the other night,
so I may not have remembered teIIing you my first name,
but I definiteIy did not teII you my Iast name.
- I'm teIIing you... Hey! - Don't Iie to me.
look, you don't know me, so I'm gonna Iet you off the hook this time.
But trust me, in the future you'II be much happier if you aIways teII me the truth.
Wait, wait, wait, I'II be happier?
You don't think I couId make you happy if I wanted to?
So how did you find out my name?
- I asked around. - You asked around about me?
- Yeah. - That's interesting.
- Why? - Why? What do you mean why?
- Why did you ask around about me? - 'Cause I wanted to.
- You wanted to take me to Iunch? - Yeah.
- Don't Iie. - OK, I asked around about you
'cause I wanna fuck your brains out. Is that what you want me to say?
(CHUCKLES)
- WeII, at Ieast you're being honest now. - let me ask you a question.
Why did you come here, huh? Why did you say yes to me?
- That's a very good question. - Yeah, so?
You're gonna have to wait to find out.
- AII right. I got time. - ReaIIy? You got time?
It seemed Iike you were in a big hurry the other day.
I can be that way when I'm shit-faced.
You're cute, I Iike you.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
listen, you wanna know the truth?
This is the truth.
You're the most beautifuI thing I've ever seen in my Iife.
You Iike movies?
JON: I don't watch too many movies,
I used to watch 'em a lot when I was a little kid,
before I could get my hands on any porn,
Back then, if I wanted to see a really hot girl, my best bet was to watch a movie,
- That's the one you Iike? - Oh, it's so great.
- I Iove these two. And you? - Yeah. They're great.
JON: But now, I don't really see the point,
I don't know, I guess I'm missing something,
Because most people eat that shit up,
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
The pretty woman,
The pretty man,
love at first sight,
The first kiss,
- The breakup, - WOMAN ONSCReeN: I felt that!
- JON: The makeup, - MAN ONSCReeN: I'm scared,
JON: The expensive wedding, and they drive off into the sunset,
everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it like it's real fucking life,
(MUSIC SWELLS)
She was the most important thing to him. He gave up everything for her.
It was just meant to be.
- I Iove movies Iike that. - Yeah, it was great.
He's just such a reaI man. And she's so beautifuI too, aIways.
- Her? No, she's too skinny. - Yeah.
- What? - You wanna know who's beautifuI?
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(FIREWORKS WHISTlING, POPPING IN DISTANCE)
- What makes you think you couId do that? - Do what?
(MUSIC SWELLS)
(CHURCH BELLS CHIMING)
(ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY)
JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen,
- PRIeST: Amen, Bless you, my son, - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,
It has been one week since my last confession,
- PRIeST: Tell me your sins, - Since Iast Sunday I did not have
sexuaI reIations out of wedIock.
I did kiss a girI, this one girI, out of wedIock, severaI times,
but it's just kissing. I don't know, I forget if that counts, so...
AIso, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 22 times.
For these and aII the sins of my Iife, I am sorry.
- Ten lord's Prayers and ten HaiI Marys. - Thank you, Father.
PRIeST: Through the ministry of the Church,
may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absoIve you from your sins in the name of the Father, of the Son
- and the HoIy Spirit. - Amen.
(JAZZY, SUlTRY SONG PLAYING)
NARRATOR ON TV: Introducing the
charbroiled, not fried, codfish sandwich,
only at Carl's Jr, and Hardee's,
More than just a piece of meat,
(ENGINE REWING)
Oh, go! Jesus. It's a yeIIow Iight! Fuck you!
(CAR RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTlY)
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) Our Father... Who art in heaven...
...haIIowed be Thy name... Thy Kingdom come...
...Thy wiII be done...
...on earth...
as it is in heaven...
(MOANING)
- No. - No... What?
- Not out here. - So Iet's go inside.
Mm-mm.
- Why not? - It's not time for that yet.
- You sure? - Yeah. We bareIy know each other.
- Yeah, we do, pretty much. - (BOTH MOANING)
- I don't know your friends. - My friends?
Mmm...
- I wanna meet your friends. - Those guys are asshoIes.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And you don't know my friends.
- Or our famiIies. - Wait, our famiIies?
Yeah. I wanna meet your parents and your sister.
Oh, Jesus!
What? You don't wanna meet my brothers
- and my sister? - Uh...
- 'Cause I know they wanna meet you. - Yeah... I bet they do.
BARBARA: Mmm... (CHUCKLES)
- (JON MOANS) - Mm-hm.
- Jon. - Yeah?
- I can't Iet you come inside just yet. - No?
No, 'cause I don't know what that wouId mean. You know?
I don't want to do anything unIess it means something.
Uh-huh...
Mm... Don't you think it's aIways better when it means something?
- Yeah. - Mm...
I think you shouId go back to schooI, baby.
What?
- Yeah, come on. Just a night cIass. - Oh, my God!
- Just get your degree. - Oh!
- You wouId be so sexy with a reaI job. - Mm!
- Mm-hm! Yeah... - (GRUNTS)
So, what do you say? You, me and our friends, we go out sometime?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Yeah? And our famiIies meet, huh?
- Oh! - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Mm...
And you take one night cIass for me, baby? One IittIe cIass?
- Oh! Oh! - Huh? Yeah? Yeah?
- Yeah! Oh! - Come on, baby, cum... cum...
- (GRUNTING) - Mm-hm! Uh-huh.
(PANTING, GRUNTING)
- Nice. - Oh, Jesus...
Yeah.
You're so cute.
CaII me.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
- Baby! - Baby, what?
- Baby. - Baby...
- You guys having a good time? - You bitch, I don't wanna hear it.
- Jesus Christ. - A toast. let's make a toast.
Everyone Iisten up. You get up too. This is for you. Come on. Get up.
- Oh, God. - AII right.
You guys know tonight is me and this girI's one-month anniversary.
I'm counting that from the first time I ever saw her, 'cause ever since then,
I've feIt the same way. She's the most beautifuI thing I've ever seen in my Iife.
- To you, baby. - No, to us.
- To us. - (GlASSES ClINK)
- Mwah. Cheers. - All: Cheers!
God bIess.
- So, what's he do? - He's in schooI.
- Oh, the famiIy's got money? - No, he's got a job.
- RetaiI? - No.
- Service? - Yeah.
He's definiteIy been spending time at the gym.
- Right? I know. He is so discipIined. - You guys work out together?
- Mm-mm. No. - Does he do that muscIe guy thing
where he's, Iike, Iooking at himseIf whiIe you're doing it?
- Oh. We haven't done it yet. - Shit, reaIIy?
- Oh, my God. That's so amazing! - AII right. I Iike him.
Goddamn! White shorts.
(HIP-HOP PLAYS)
- JON: Nah. - What? Come on, that's a dime!
- That's not a dime. - I'm sorry, but I'd rather do that
- than do yours. - You faggot motherfucker!
- I can Iike any girI I wanna Iike. - But she's not hotter than my girI.
- To you, maybe not, but to me... - look at that. Sorry, buddy.
- Fuck you, Jonny! - That's the way...
Hi.
Shit!
So, uh...
- I'm sort of seeing this girI. - (COUGHS)
- MOTHER: What did you say? - What do you mean, what did I say?
- Did you say...? - JON SR.: She asked you what you said.
What's the matter with that? I couIdn't understand you, either.
Speak up and taIk Iike a human being.
- Shush. - What's your probIem?
- Jon. Did you say you found her? - What?
- WeII, I said I'm sort of... - Oh, my God! What's her name?
- Barbara. - Barbara! Barbara what?
- JON SR.: Here we go... - Shh! Barbara what?
- Barbara Sugarman. - Sugarman?
- She a Jew? - I don't think so.
- You don't know? - We haven't reaIIy taIked...
She's not ItaIian, we know that.
- Sugarman. She bIack? - No.
What does she Iook Iike?
She's the most beautifuI thing I've seen in my Iife.
- Oh, boy. - Baby! Oh! (lAUGHS)
That's the sweetest thing I ever heard anybody say.
- And does she Iove you? - Wait a minute. love him? You kidding?
- Jon, shush! - They're kids, for Christ's sake!
- So what? - You know what? Don't caII me a kid.
We taIked about this, I don't appreciate it.
- Excuse me. - Dad, I'm asking you niceIy.
To not caII you a kid? You're a fucking kid.
- Jon! - Fuck you!
Fuck me? Did you just say fuck me to me?
Jon!
He said they're in Iove, they're in Iove. It doesn't matter how oId they are.
He's oIder than you were when we got married.
You know that? For God's sake, he's your son!
You Iove this girI?
Yes, I do.
Then when do we get to meet her?
(GASPS) Oh!
AII right, Mom, OK.
(lAUGHS) Oh!
WOMAN: BeIIa? Sweetheart, come over here.
Come on, Iet me fix your Iipstick. Here we go.
- You Iook so beautifuI. - Thank you.
- Can I get you a refiII, Mrs. Sugarman? - You don't have to do that.
- No, it's my pIeasure. - Jon.
- Thank you. - Jon, you meet DaryI?
- Oh, wow. - You wanna hoId him?
- I don't know... - Come here.
- Here you go, babe. - OK.
- AII right. Is that good? Is that right? - Yeah. (lAUGHS)
You Iook so cute, the two of you.
(PANTING, MOANING)
MAN: Barbara!
- How Iong have we been up here for? - Not Iong.
WeII, I gotta go, we gotta go. Come on, Iet's go. Come on. Come on.
CIose the door.
OK. let's take a break and when we get back
we'II go over the course syIIabus.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
- Hey. - BARBARA: Baby! How is it?
- It's great. - Yeah? You're on break?
- Yeah. How did you know? - Your schedule's online,
- Baby, I'm just so proud of you, - Thanks.
- Baby? - Yeah?
Can I come over when you're done?
- You wanna come to my pIace? - Mm-hm,
- What, tonight? - Yeah,
OK, great.
- You get back to class, sexy man, - AII right.
- Bye, baby, - OK, bye.
(WOMAN SOBBING)
Jesus fucking Christ!
- Excuse me. Sorry. - Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.
It's fine. It's fine.
- Hi, baby. - Hey.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS)
- It's OK. I'II be right back. - Baby...
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
JON: I'm in love with Barbara, I am,
And tonight, I finally got to fuck her,
But I'm sorry to say, it's still not as good as porn,
Tits?
Best ever,
Ass?
Best ever,
- blowjob? - (WOMAN MOANS)
Shit, Good luck, A girl that hot? She doesn't have to give head,
(MAN, WOMAN MOANING)
For her, she just wants to go from kissing, to naked kissing, to fucking,
- (MOANING) - Or, you know, making love,
And when I say ''making love, '' I mean,,,
,,,missionary fucking,
No doggie, No cowboy,
- BARBARA: What the fuck are you doing? - Baby!
- What the fuck are you doing? - I was reading e-maiIs.
- You weren't. You were watching porno! - That's not what that was.
- I saw you! - But, baby...
Don't caII me that. Oh, my God! That's the most disgusting thing
- I've ever seen in my Iife! - Wait, don't go right now, pIease!
I don't even know what that is. That's sick...
- But, baby, I'm teIIing you... - Don't caII me that!
But I'm teIIing you, that thing I was watching was just a joke!
Some dumb-ass buddy of mine sent it to me as a joke. Come on!
You think I'm the kind of guy that watches porn?
No, you didn't seem Iike that type.
Right. 'Cause fucking Iosers watch porn, guys that can't get Iaid.
WeII, no. My friends' boyfriends are watching porno on the Internet aII the time,
- it's fucking disgusting. - It's stupid is what that is.
Why wouId they watch porn when they can get with a reaI girI?
- So you don't do that normaIIy? - No.
When was the Iast time you did that before this?
(SCOFFS) I don't even know. When I was a kid or something.
You're never gonna do it again?
No. Why wouId I?
- Promise? - I promise.
Baby...
I Iove you.
Come here.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
JON: It's not that I can't stop, I just figure, why should I?
I mean, my girlfriend doesn't like it, So she doesn't have to know about it,
It's not like I'm cheating on her, I don't do it when she's around,
And everything's fine,
She has been spending a lot of time at my place, though, So I looked into it,
And it's pretty amazing how easy it is to get porn on-the-go these days,
- So,,, - (MOANING)
(NO AUDIO)
Excuse me? Sorry, were you on your phone?
No.
- I'm Esther. - Good to meet you.
- What's your name? - Jon.
- I hope I'm not bothering you. - No, it's fine.
I just wanted to apoIogize. I don't know if you remember,
you caught me in a kind of an inopportune moment Iast week.
- When I was sobbing by the door? - Oh! Yeah, sorry, I'm sorry about that.
PIease, don't. PIease, don't you apoIogize. You didn't do anything wrong.
- I feIt Iike I shouId say something. - OK. WeII...
Because I've been thinking about it, a Iot actuaIIy, and I reaIized that,
you know, nobody's seen me Iike that in, Iike, six months,
- and it's not Iike it's a rare... - TEACHER: Good evening, everyone.
(WHISPERING) ...a rare occurrence, I mean, I do that aII the time,
I'm crying aII the time. It's just something that I do in private now.
On the one hand, you go there when you go there.
On the other hand, it's reaIIy fucked up to keep it hidden, right?
That's what became cIear to me when you startIed me.
You didn't, you didn't mean to startIe me, you waIked by,
but I just... so I wanted to say thank you.
Were you... I'm sorry, this might be rude,
but were you watching peopIe fucking on your phone?
- What? No! - It's OK if you were. I'm not judging you.
- lady, I'm just here to take this cIass. - Did you just caII me ''Iady''?
So you take care.
Oh, yeah. Sorry. Say no more.
- I'm sorry. - No, it's fine.
What, are you fucking kidding me?! You're fucking kidding me, right?!
- Baby! - What?
(RADIO PLAYS INDISTINCTlY)
I feeI Iike I shouId Ieave my jacket in the car. Maybe not. ShouId I bring it?
- Yeah, whatever you want. - Oh...
- I'm nervous. That's aII. - Why you nervous?
- I don't know... - You got nothing to be nervous about.
You Iook beautifuI. God, you Iook beautifuI.
Oh. (lAUGHS)
- Are you ready? Go ahead. - Yeah. AII right.
- Hi, Mom. - MOTHER: Hi.
Oh, heIIo, heIIo! You must be Barbara.
- Hi, Mrs. MarteIIo. Here, for you. - Thank you, and pIease caII me Angie.
Come in, come in. Jon! Jonny's here! Come say heIIo to your son!
- PIease. - let me get by you there, babe.
Dad? I wouId Iike you to meet Barbara. Baby, this is my dad.
- Hi, Mr. MarteIIo. - Hey, good to meet you.
- Jesus Christ! - Jon!
Oh, I... I wasn't expecting such a IoveIy Iady, that's aII.
Thank you. It's so nice to finaIIy meet you both.
My pIeasure, my pIeasure.
WeII, pIease sit down and I wiII be right back.
- Can I heIp you with anything at aII? - Oh! I Iove her aIready.
- Yes, pIease, sweetie, come on. - JON: You want me to take that, babe?
- Hey, hey, Jonny-boy! - She's cute, right?
Are you fucking kidding me? You didn't teII me you were bringing home
- a piece of ass Iike that! - I toId you she was the most beautifuI thing
- I've ever seen in my Iife. - Yeah, you toId me, but I mean,
Jesus Christ, those tits! They're reaI?
- Yeah, they're reaI. - Oh! Fuck me!
- ANGIE: Did you cIear the tabIe? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here, honey.
let me move this here, so you can put that right there.
- Right here? - Right there. That's perfect.
BARBARA: So teII me. TeII me, how did it go?
ANGIE: I was out with some girIfriends. We went to see some band.
Back then you used to see bands when you went out.
- Honey, what band was it? - You think I remember?
It was 28 years ago, and I didn't even give a shit then.
Anyway, I saw him earIy in the night,
I don't know if he saw me tiII Iater, but I saw him.
And I saw her, you couIdn't miss her.
- She was Iike you. - Thank you.
- You know what I said? - listen to this.
I said right then, right when I saw her, I said...
...''That's mine.''
- Oh, God. - ANGIE: Yup. And he was right.
Can you... WeII, that's beautifuI.
- Oh! Big pIay! look at that! - OK, Jon.
- AII right, Dad. - AII right, yeah.
- Good job, big guy. - Sweetie, so nice to meet you.
- Bye, Mr. MarteIIo. - PIease caII me Jon.
OK, Mom.
- AII right, babe? - Oh! Bye.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
- Bye-bye. - Drive safe.
- I Iove her! I Iove her! - Pretty good, huh? Not bad at aII.
(CHURCH BELLS CHIMING)
(ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY)
JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen,
- PRIeST: Amen, Bless you, my son, - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,
It has been one week since my last confession,
PRIeST: Tell me your sins,
Since Iast Sunday, I had sexuaI intercourse out of wedIock seven times.
But... I stopped watching porn.
Yeah, no more of that, just the intercourse now.
So...
For these and aII the sins of my Iife, I am sorry.
- Five lord's Prayers and five HaiI Marys. - Thank you, Father.
PRIeST: Through the ministry of the Church,
may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absoIve you from your sins in the name of the Father, of the Son
- and the HoIy Spirit. - Amen.
TEACHER: Very good. OK, when we come back,
we'II go over empIoyee personaIity testing.
Go ahead, take a break.
- Hi. Mind if I sit down? - You know, actuaIIy, I...
- I brought you something. - You what?
- What's that? - Open it.
- I don't want to take that from you. - No, no, open it.
It's something siIIy. It's a IittIe thing. Go ahead.
AII right. I'II open it.
- What the fuck is this? - It's actuaIIy pretty good.
- What is the matter with you? - Have you seen it?
- Are you crazy? - It was made by this Danish woman
in the '70s. It's probabIy not what you're used to Iooking at, but it's pretty hot.
OK. look, I have a girIfriend, aII right? So...
I'm sorry, did you think I was hitting on you? Because I'm not.
WiII you just take this?
I didn't mean for it to be a big thing. I thought you couId use something better
than that shit you're watching on your phone.
- (SCOFFS) - Am I right?
If you have a girIfriend, why are you watching dirty movies?
- What? - I'm just asking.
- You're fucking weird, you know that? - I don't entireIy disagree,
but you're the one who's gonna pretend you're texting
whiIe you watch peopIe pretend they're fucking on your phone!
The shit I watch on here, they're not pretending.
Of course they are.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) Forgive us our trespasses...
...as we forgive those... who trespass against us...
...and Iead us not... into temptation...
...but deIiver us from eviI...
- Baby? - Huh?
What are you doing? You taIking to yourseIf?
- Yo, Jonny, you coming out tonight? - That's dubious.
I'm gonna wait for Barbara to caII. We're gonna meet up for dinner.
- This fucking guy. Come on! - What did you think he was gonna say?
I thought he stiII had a pair of baIIs hanging between his Iegs.
You sound so fucking stupid to me right now, I feeI sorry for you.
- Fuck you. - I do. I feeI sorry for you.
You never been in Iove, so you don't know what you're taIking about.
HoId up. Wait a minute. In Iove?
When you reaIIy Iove a girI, there's a Iot that goes into it.
- You're saying you Iove her? - Of course I Iove her.
- I never heard you say you Ioved her. - You weren't paying attention.
I've been in Iove with this girI since the first time I saw her.
Why wouId I wanna go out and try to puII randoms?
None of 'em are gonna Iook as good as my girI,
none of 'em are gonna fuck me as good as my girI.
- ReaIIy? - Yeah, reaIIy.
- So she's good? - What did I say? Yeah, she's good.
- She's the best. - So you titty-fuck her?
Bro, she Iets me do whatever the fuck I want.
This is what I'm trying to teII you, if you wouId Iisten to me.
I'm teIIing you guys something. You be a man, you do the right thing,
you find the right girI and you treat her the right way?
Watch what happens. Best sex of your Iife.
Hey, baby.
- Hey. - Hi.
- I Iove it when you wear this shit. - Oh, you're crazy.
- You good? - Yeah. You order anything yet?
- No, I waited for you. - Sweet.
- Oh, fuck! - Who's that?
It's linda. She's been fighting with Chris.
I don't think they're gonna work out.
- You remember linda and Chris, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
- I thought they were cute together, no? - Sure. They seemed pretty good.
She's 28 years oId. She put Iike four years into the guy aIready. It's terribIe.
(MOANING)
- How did you get off work tonight? - I got Stevie to cover my shift.
- Stevie? - Yeah, he needed the hours.
- I don't think I know Stevie, no? - No, I don't think you ever met him.
- Oh! I wish somebody wouId cover for me. - See? What did I teII you?
The service industry, it's not a bad thing.
Come on, you're gonna Iook so good in a suit.
- I don't know. - What? PIease.
If Armando can do it, that man is such an asshoIe.
(MOANING)
He treats women Iike they're trash, but... he makes six figures.
WeII, he's got a pretty great Iife, no? If he couId do it, you couId do it.
(MOANING)
Hey, baby. You're a winner, right? You respect peopIe.
- You Iisten to peopIe. - (MOANING)
- You think so? - I know so, mister.
(MOANING)
(HORN HONKING)
Fucking 'caused it! Fuck!
(PHONE VIBRATING)
Hi, babe.
I don't know which ones to get. Baby, what do you think?
That depends. You gonna driII into your waII?
I don't know.
- You don't have a driII, do you? - No.
Nah, I didn't think so. My dad has got a pretty good one.
If you want me, I can borrow his, I'II do it for you.
- You gonna driII into my waII for me? - Whatever you want, babe.
You decide what coIor. I'm gonna meet you at the registers.
I wanna pick up a few things in cIeaning products.
Where are you going?
- What? - Where are you going?
I'm aImost out of Swiffer pads. I'm gonna pick a few up.
- (lAUGHS) What pads? - For the Swiffer.
- I don't know what that is. - You don't know the Swiffer?
- What is that? No. - SeriousIy? It's the best.
You gotta try it. What do you do for your fIoors?
You got those nice fIoors at your pIace. What, do you mop?
- No. - What do you do?
- I don't know. I sweep it up with a broom. - No, I mean to reaIIy cIean it.
- I don't know. The housekeeper does it. - Oh, right.
- listen, I'II just be a second, OK? - No, no, no. Come here.
- What? - You're not gonna go buy a mop right now.
- It's embarrassing. - No, I toId you, it's not a mop.
- It's these pads. - I don't care.
You shouIdn't be doing your own housework.
- Why not? - 'Cause you're a grown man.
You shouIdn't be cIeaning your own fIoors.
Why? I enjoy doing it.
You know what? I'II caII Rosa. She'II do your pIace.
- Who? - Rosa, my cIeaning Iady, she's great.
Babe, no. Thanks, but I Iike doing it myseIf.
Are you kidding me? You don't got to be doing that.
She won't do it right anyway. You gotta vacuum my carpet a certain way,
- or eIse it Iooks... - Don't taIk about vacuuming in front of me.
- Why? What's wrong? - Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why.
You're not Iistening to me. I Iike my pIace, OK?
I'm proud of it, I Iike to take care of it.
I don't care. We're not having this discussion right now.
There's onIy a few things I reaIIy care about...
We're not taIking about this anymore.
- Fine, Iet's drop it. - Good.
Those ones.
- You want those? - Yeah.
Come here. listen to me.
When we're Iiving together, you're not...
...going to be doing... any cIeaning.
Come on.
Jon? Excuse me.
look, I know you don't wanna taIk to me.
I wouId Ieave you aIone, but I swear to God,
I just feII asIeep during that entire cIass.
The whoIe fucking thing. Can I copy your notes?
I'd ask somebody eIse, but everyone in the cIass are Iike chiIdren.
I'm not caIIing you oId. It'II take Iike five minutes...
- Do you mind? - Fine.
Thank you so much. Do you wanna go somewhere? There's a café...
My girIfriend's waiting at home, so...
Oh. OK, weII, then I'II... OK, I'II do this.
I reaIIy shouIdn't get so high after Iunch if I'm gonna be coming here Iater.
You're probabIy right.
It is pretty boring, don't you think?
What?
- I said this cIass is pretty fucking boring. - Oh. Yep.
like they're teaching you to be a robot.
- Why are you here? - Hm?
- Why did you pick this cIass? - I didn't.
What?
No, it seemed Iike a good idea. I'm in the service industry now.
- You mean you're a waiter? - No.
- Bartender? - Yeah, so, if you wanna move up,
- you gotta go to schooI. - Right.
But what do you mean you didn't pick this cIass?
- No, I did. - Did somebody pick it for you?
- No! - Was it your parents or your girIfriend?
- What is it with you? Huh? - No, I just...
- I was wondering... - I'm doing something poIite...
That's mine.
OK. Sorry.
Jesus! (lAUGHS)
- Oh, man! Oh, God! - (ENGINE REWING)
- Hey, baby. - Hi, Jon.
What's wrong?
Remember when we first started dating?
What's the one thing I asked? I said, ''Don't Iie to me.''
- AII right, who's taIking shit about me? - Nobody said anything.
- You gotta heIp me out... - You Iooked at 46 porno sites today, Jon.
- Just today. - I don't know what you're taIking about.
- Don't fucking Iie to me! - I don't know who toId you that!
Nobody said anything. It's right there in your history!
AII you do is Iook at porno. That's aII you fucking do!
- Wait, wait. My what? - It's in your history.
In your browser?
Come on, don't teII me you don't know what your history is.
No. Of course you don't, 'cause if you did, you wouId have erased it,
Iike a good IittIe phony. Here.
There. Go ahead, Iook. Go ahead.
- Baby, I... - PIease, no, don't caII me that.
- I Iove you. - Don't ever say that to me, ever again.
- What do you want me to say? - What do I want you to say?
How about, ''I'm sorry I've been Iying to you since the first day
that we started dating''? How about that?
- I'm sorry. I am. - How about, ''I'm sorry I have more sex
with that thing than I do with my girIfriend''?
First of aII, everybody watches porn, OK? AII guys.
Any guy teIIs you he doesn't is Iying to you.
- You are so fuII of shit! - Second of aII...
- You are fuII of shit! - Second of aII, you know damn weII
- we do it aII the fucking time! - Yeah, I know we do.
- Whenever you want! - So what the fuck is wrong with you?
What the fuck are you doing? How do you watch that shit?
I don't know! OK? I don't know!
How do you watch aII the stupid fucking movies you watch?
How do I watch movies? What are you taIking about?
I'm saying, you probabIy watch that shit as much as I watch porn.
What are you saying? That has nothing to do with anything!
- I'm just saying... - Jon, movies and porno are different!
- They give awards for movies! - They give awards for porn too.
Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
I can't beIieve we're taIking about this.
I'm sorry. Jesus. look, stop it.
I don't know, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sorry, OK? I... I'm sorry. I am so sorry...
(GRUNTS)
I reaIIy Iiked you, you know?
I thought you were different.
But you're not.
(DOOR SlAMS)
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
JON: So up until now, my record was ten in one day,
And for a long time, I thought I'd never beat that, But today,,,
- ,,,I hit 1 1, - (WOMEN MOANING)
JON: And you know, when I have great fucking days like this,
it just reminds me how much I love being single,
- I do what I want, when I want, - (WOMEN MOANING)
I don't have to flake on my friends anymore,
I don't have to waste my time in a fucking classroom,
It just feels good, like,,, like I got my own life back,
(MOANING)
I mean, you think I could have hit 1 1 when I was with Barbara? No! Definitely not,
So,,,
(HIP-HOP PLAYS)
- Jonny-boy! - Jesus, bro, I can smeII it on you aIready.
- You got to catch up, baby! - You mean I got to buy your poor ass
- a fucking drink? - Yo, the Don mad anxious tonight.
- Fuck you! - Where's wifey?
- Fuck that bitch. - Oh, shit!
- Damn, OK! - AII right.
You can't have this one, 'cause I saw her first, but check out pink.
JON: Yeah. She's aII right.
(HIP-HOP PLAYS)
- Hey, fuck you, buddy! - MAN: Fuck you!
What'd you say? Huh? What the fuck did you just say?! Hey!
You wanna say some shit? let's hear it, you fat fuck! What did you say?!
- MAN: I said fuck you! - Fuck me, huh? Fuck me?
Is that what you said?! Huh? Huh? You fuck! Ah!
- Fuck! Goddamn it! Fuck! - (CAR HORN HONKING)
(ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY)
JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen,
- PRIeST: Amen, Bless you, my son, - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,
It has been one week since my last confession,
- Jonny, where were you? - Don't worry about it.
- What did you do to your...? - Mom, it's fine.
- Shh! - Hey, hush yourseIf!
Mom! It's fine. OK?
PRIeST: Tell me your sins,
Father, I don't know what happened, but...
...I guess I Iost my temper and I...
I punched through this guy's window on my way here right now.
I didn't hurt anybody, but...
Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me.
AIso, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 35 times.
For these and aII the sins of my Iife, I'm sorry.
- Twenty lord's Prayers and 25 HaiI Marys. - Thank you, Father.
PRIeST: Through the ministry of the Church,
may God give you pardon and peace,
I absolve you from your sins in the name of
the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,
Amen.
- So Barbara couIdn't come tonight? - No, she had this famiIy thing tonight.
But she wanted to make it, she just couIdn't.
- She toId me to say heIIo to you guys. - That's sweet.
Everything good with the two of you?
- Yeah, she's great. - ANGIE: She's a catch, Jonny.
BeautifuI girI.
I'm teIIing you, a woman Iike that make a boy into a man.
I can see it on you too, it's starting.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) HoIy Mary...
...Mother of God...
...pray for us sinners...
...now...
...and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
What the fuck?
- The fuck you doing here? - Damn, reaIIy?
- Bro, I'm busy. - Word, what you doing?
Right. Just 'cause you don't pick up your phone don't make you busy.
- You smashed up somebody's car? - Who toId you that?
Kerry's sister said she heard you broke through some guy's window.
- WeII, did you? - The guy was a fucking asshoIe.
- What did he do? - Why you taking his side?
- I'm not taking his side. - You are.
Stop and think for a second. Stop and think for a second.
I don't care about that guy, I don't give a damn about his car. Fuck him.
What do you think I'm doing here, man?
- You wanna have a seat? - Bro, honestIy...
Man, sit your ass down.
AII right, what happened with your girI?
Fuck that bitch.
You said that aIready. What, she drop you?
No.
No? You drop her? After aII that, she cheat on you?
- No! - So, what happened?
Nothing! It's so fucking stupid. That's what I'm saying, she's a bitch.
She did drop your ass. What did you do, man? You cheat on her?
No!
AII right, you wanna hear this shit? It's so fucking retarded.
She caught me watching porn.
- That's it? - Right?
- That's buIIshit. - Swear to God.
Oh, my God! OK, hoId on, hoId on, aII right.
So after aII that obIigatory shit, the friend mixing and meeting her foIks,
she just waIks in on you, you know, beating your meat to a IittIe video
- and she's out? - You don't know her.
- She's crazy, she's a princess. - Goddamn!
- I know. - No, for reaI,
that's some crazy buIIshit right there.
- Fuck that bitch. - Yeah. Fuck that bitch.
But you stiII gonna finish that cIass?
- ReaIIy? - What are you, my mom?
No, I just thought it was aImost done. How much Ionger you got?
TEACHER: AII right, everyone, three more weeks untiI the finaI.
If you have any questions or concerns,
pIease feeI free to e-maiI me. Have a good night.
- JON: Hey. - ESTHER: Hi.
- JON: Where you going? - ESTHER: To my car.
(MOANING)
- JON: Oh, shit! - ESTHER: OK.
JON: No, we're fine, we're fine, we're fine.
(JON GRUNTING)
Oh, my God!
ShouId've smoked this before, you might've reIaxed a IittIe.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm pIaying with you. Trust me, I'm a perfectIy satisfied customer.
- You want some? - Thanks.
So I'm parked aII the way on the other side. I don't know if you want...
I know, you wanna get back, so Iet me enjoy
this and I'II drive you back to your car.
OK.
- So, what happened with your girIfriend? - Fuck that bitch.
- That bad? She find somebody eIse? - No.
Wanna know what happened? I'II teII you what happened.
She snooped around on my computer, she found out I watch porn.
I toId her every fucking guy watches porn, she didn't beIieve me.
She acted Iike I was cheating on her or something, which I wasn't.
So... we broke up.
And you know what? I'm gIad we did.
- Just porn? - Yeah.
- No, I don't buy it. - I'm teIIing you. That's aII.
Was it just once? Oh.
OK. So she caught you once, which is why you're watching it on your phone at schooI,
'cause you're hiding it from her, but she caught you the second time.
I don't know. Am I right? I'm just guessing, but...
Oh, God, you're Iike a junkie. You can't stop.
- How often do you watch it? - What the fuck do you care?
- No, Iike every day? - Every guy watches porn every day.
AII right. When was the Iast time you went a day without it?
- I don't know. - No, come on, try and think.
- SeriousIy, I have no idea. - like this week, Iike this month?
No. I Iike my porn, OK? I watch it every day. I aIways have.
Maybe when I was a kid, Iike before I had a VCR in my room and I couIdn't,
but even then I had Playboys, so...
- Have you ever thought about quitting? - Quit...?
You're taIking about it Iike... No, why wouId I?
OK, Iet me ask you this.
You're a good-Iooking guy, I'm sure you attract a Iot of young Iadies.
Why bother with porn when you can have the reaI thing?
Nah, see, it's not the same thing.
I mean, reaI pussy's aII good, but, no offense...
No, no, no offense taken. So you Iike porn better than sex?
WeII, what is it? What do you get from porn
that you don't get from sex with an actuaI person?
- I Iose myseIf. - You Iose yourseIf.
Yeah, just... goodbye.
And that doesn't happen when you have sex.
I wish it did.
Sure, don't we aII? Um...
OK. One more question, then I'II drive you back.
- You ever jerk off without porn? - What do you mean?
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
JON: I'm not like a junkie, Come on, that's stupid,
It's porn, it's not fucking heroin,
I knew a few guys in high school who actually smoked crack, like all the time,
That's like a junkie, They couldn't stop, I could stop if I wanted to, I could,
- Hi. - Hey.
- Somebody's excited. - Yeah. Come on.
- I wanted to taIk to you. - Yeah? What about?
Don't you wanna...?
Don't you wanna wait tiII after cIass?
OK.
AII right. (lAUGHS)
You're... You're intense today. What's going on with you?
- I gotta taIk to you. - I didn't think you meant that
- when you said it. - WeII, I did.
WeII, I'm fIattered. What do you wanna taIk about?
- (lAUGHS) - Um...
So you were right.
- About what, your girIfriend? - No.
I'm sorry. I was right about what?
- I stopped watching porn. - Oh, yeah? That's great!
- I don't know if it is. - No, it is.
I wasn't gonna stop, but then I was thinking about what you asked me before,
if I ever jerk off without watching porn, and I tried to...
- Yeah? And you couIdn't? - No, I couIdn't.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been
trying for a week, it's reaIIy fucked up.
- Oh, my God! You haven't cum in a week? - Mm...
OK, wait. No. I want to hear the rest of the story.
- So you haven't watched porn in a week. - Yeah.
- That's good. - What do you mean?
You said you watched porn.
Uh, yeah, but that movie that I gave you was totaIIy...
- Did you ever watch it? - No.
OK. It's totaIIy unIike the stuff that I imagine you watch every day.
- That is not heaIthy. - What do you mean? How do you know?
Oh, my God, pIease! That stuff is ridicuIous
and it's nothing to do with actuaI sex.
That's why you have troubIe with reaI women.
- No, I get off fine with reaI girIs. - Yeah, you definiteIy do.
Yeah, I just couIdn't get off beating it with my eyes cIosed.
But didn't you teII me Iast week that you Iike porn better than reaI sex?
WeII, honey, I'm gonna be honest with you, 'cause it seems Iike that's what you want.
look, the way you have sex, it's Iike totaIIy one-sided.
It's Iike I'm not even there.
I mean, Iook, it's fine with me. I'm not compIaining.
It just so happens that meaningIess sex is something that I want in my Iife now,
but you said that you wanna Iose yourseIf in sex.
If you wanna Iose yourseIf, you have to Iose yourseIf in another person.
And she has to Iose herseIf in you. It's a two-way thing.
You know what? I shouIdn't have said that.
- No, it's fine. - No, no, no. I'm sorry. I am.
- What are you taIking about? - No. I'm reaIIy sorry.
I'm... I didn't mean to hurt your feeIings.
- You didn't. That's fine. - No, I reaIIy didn't.
You know what?
let's take a bath.
- What? Nah! - No, come on. It'II be nice. It'II be nice.
Come on, Iet's take a bath.
I'm gonna get you a toweI.
(SOBBING SOFTlY)
Hey, where were you?
I used one of the toweIs that was in there, hope you don't mind.
Yeah, that's fine.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
- You don't Iive here aIone, do you? - I actuaIIy do.
There's some kind of... bad marriage situation here?
- No. - I know it's none of my business, sorry.
I don't wanna get caught out and now some guy's coming at me with a bat or some shit.
No, it's nothing Iike that.
AII right. So, what is it?
Since when do you ask me personaI questions?
Since right now.
- It reaIIy doesn't matter. - WeII, it seems Iike it matters to you.
No, it doesn't.
Didn't you teII me it's sort of fucked up to keep stuff Iike this hidden?
My husband and my son died 1 4 months ago.
- Jesus! - Thank you.
What happened?
Cars are terribIe things.
I'm sorry, but your hair is so much better this way.
- What? - I can touch it.
- (lAUGHS) What are you taIking about? - You put so much junk in your hair,
it's aII sticky and hard, this is much better.
(CONDOM WRAPPER CRINKlING)
(SOFT PANTING)
(GASPING)
(ENGINE REWING)
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYS OVER STEREO)
♪ Good vibration
♪ It's such a sweet sensation
♪ It's such a good vibration,,,
(SONG CONTINUING)
♪ Yo! It's about that time
♪ To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme,,,
(CHURCH BELLS CHIMING)
(ORGAN PLAYS SOMBER MELODY)
JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen,
- PRIeST: Amen, Bless you, my son, - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,
It has been one week since my last confession,
- PRIeST: Tell me your sins, - First of aII, I Iied to you before.
I toId you that, uh...
WeII, actuaIIy, I don't know if it was you.
Something I've aIways kinda wondered is,
is it the same guy I'm taIking to every week
or there's a few of you and you switch off, or... how does that aII work?
WeII, anyway, I toId the Father a whiIe back
that I stopped watching pornography, but that was a Iie, I didn't stop at aII.
The thing is, this week I actuaIIy did stop, Iike totaIIy just not doing it anymore.
So...
- PRIEST: Yes? - Yeah, so that's Iike zero for the week.
Other than that, I did have sex out of wedIock one time,
but it was different, it wasn't just sex, it was Iike...
I don't know, it's hard to expIain, but... yeah, that's it. So...
For these and aII the sins of my Iife, I am sorry.
- Ten lord's Prayers and ten HaiI Marys. - ReaIIy? Same thing, no difference?
PRIeST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you,,,
Wait! Father, I'm reaIIy sorry,
but couId you just teII me how you got to those numbers, pIease?
'Cause I... I reaIIy thought there was gonna be a difference this week.
PRIEST: Have faith, my son.
Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absoIve you from your sins in the name
of the Father, the Son and the HoIy Spirit.
- So, uh... me and Barbara spIit up. - ANGIE: What?
- Barbara and I spIit up. - I can't beIieve it, this is horribIe!
- Can you get her back? - I don't think so.
- Did you try to caII her? - She doesn't want me to caII her.
- look what you did. - Sorry. What do you want me to do?
I just want you to be happy, that's aII! Is that too much to ask?
- I wasn't happy. - A nice wife and some nice kids?
look at me! I Iook Iike a grandmother,
but do I have any grandchiIdren? No!
Am I a bad mother, is that what I'm hearing?
- Honey, caIm down, pIease! - You know, Ma, I don't know
if I reaIIy want a wife and kids.
What are you saying? You don't mean that.
- Jon, say something! - JON SR.: AII right!
Stop upsetting your mother! What the fuck is the matter with you?
- I don't know. - Having a famiIy is the greatest joy
- in a man's Iife, everybody knows that! - Then maybe I'm not a man.
'Cause I sure don't want a famiIy. Maybe one day, but not right now!
- WeII, and that's aII she wanted. - ANGIE: What did she say?
- SISTER: I said that that girI... - I cannot hear any fucking thing!
- What are you saying? - AII I'm saying is, that girI,
she has her own agenda. She doesn't care about Jonny,
she doesn't know the first thing about him.
She just wants a guy who's gonna do whatever she teIIs him to.
It is a good thing that she broke up with you.
- Thanks. - You're weIcome.
- Jon, I wiII fucking kiII you! - AII right. Easy.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(TECHNO MUSIC FADES)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTlY)
(BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTlY)
AII right, Iisten, Iisten, I gotta go, so I'II see you Iater? AII right. Bye.
- Sorry. - That's cooI.
- Sorry about that. - No probIem. How you doing?
- A IittIe windy. - Yeah, it's windy out here.
- So... I'm good. How are you? - Good, thanks.
- Everybody good? - Yeah, great.
- Thanks for meeting me. - Sure.
Hope you understand why I thought Iunch was not a good idea.
- That's fine. You want some coffee? - No, actuaIIy I gotta go pretty soon, so...
- (lAUGHS) You changed your hair? - Yeah...
- So? - Yeah, so...
I just wanted to apoIogize.
I Iied to you, and I'm sorry for that.
WeII, that's aII you're gonna say?
I don't reaIIy know what I do with that. What do I say?
I forgive you, or we're supposed to get back together or something?
- No. No, I just wanted to teII you... - You're not capabIe of a reIationship, Jon.
- You're not. - No. Right now I'm not.
'Cause you're a seIfish person, and you're a Iiar.
- Yeah, I was. I'm sorry. - I asked you to do one thing for me...
Yeah. I was thinking about that when you said it before.
WeII, I said it because it's true, that's why.
- It's not true. - ReaIIy?
You didn't onIy ask me for one thing. You asked for a Iot,
a Iot of different things and then...
...I couIdn't do it aII for you.
WeII, when a reaI man Ioves a woman, he doesn't mind doing things for her.
He'II do anything for her.
Yeah, but don't you think that sounds a IittIe bit one-sided?
No, I don't.
But that's why you Iike to watch those whores in those videos,
because you don't gotta do anything for them, right?
Yeah, that's one-sided aIso. DefiniteIy.
look, sweetie, I'm gonna go, OK?
Don't caII me anymore.
The streak is over, motherfucker! How's it feeI?
- I'd rather get pizza with my boys. - That's new.
Every fucking time we go out, Don Jon smashes!
But not tonight, Iadies and gentIemen.
The fans are devastated. Jonny, what happened?
Yeah! WeII, I thought it was on with oId crop top.
- No, that girI was annoying. - She was tight though.
- Eight. - SoIid eight.
Her body was at Ieast an eight, but you didn't taIk to her.
- Who cares how she taIks? - You asked why I didn't smash,
that's why I didn't smash. What about you? You were kicking it to pony-taiI, right?
- How did it go? - You get her name?
- I got a number. - BOTH: Oh! Hey!
- You Iike that? - Fucking right I do!
- Easy, easy. Did you get her name? - Yeah!
Wait...
- Oh, fuck! - What?
I saved it as pony-taiI.
- (lAUGHS) Danny-boy! - Danny-boy!
AII right, aII right, aII right. Take it easy, take it easy.
JON: This fucking lady,
I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye,
and this girl does that a lot,
But I don't know what it is about her, When she does it, I don't mind,
I just look right back at her, and pretty soon,,,
,,,I'm hard as a fucking rock,
It's like she knows what I'm thinking,
Or I know what she's thinking, or,,,
I don't know, it's that two-way thing, I fucking love it,
And I don't mean love like, ''I love her, I wanna marry her, ''
I'm definitely not thinking about all that shit,
And she's not either,
She can't,
I guess I just mean love like,
you know, like when we're making love,
And while we're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away,
and it's just me and her, right there,
and yeah, I do lose myself in her,
and I can tell she is losing herself in me,
and we're just fucking,,, lost together,
(HIP-HOP PLAYS)
Edited By Vikas Chopra